apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
