Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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