Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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