Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
