We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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