I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
