I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
