Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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