Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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