her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
