I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
