I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
