Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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