I puked a lego.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
