this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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