GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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