I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
