Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
