Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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