We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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