end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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