Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
