As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
