I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
only if we run a train.
done.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
