i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
operation harelip BJ is a go
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
