He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
