i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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