i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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