The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
