i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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