Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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