She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They took my balls.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
