Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
