i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
