You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
