dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
