i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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