I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
