Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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