omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
