Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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