u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize