i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
