please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
