what day is it and did you see me today?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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