Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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