I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
