He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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