Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
