I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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