Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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