I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
