oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
